Upside Down and Inside Out

I went to return a RedBox last night and somehow lost an hour in the parking lot staring at people move around like little robots. I'm not myself. I'm just not. I've got the peace of God that transcends all on my side, I really do, but I'm still just all out of whack. 

Chris took me to IKEA today and the buggy drove me crazy. It wouldn't even drive straight. Just kept sliding all over the place.

I'm mad because sweet tea tastes good again. I should be happy about that but I'd rather it taste horrible and still have our little baby. 

I typically slip into stealth mode when we are hit with any kind of crisis. We've had plenty of practice in this. These shouldn't be uncharted waters.  I rolled with the punches like a champ through the gun case, through the days and months of unemployment after Chris' company shut their doors, through the Kudzu diagnosis and Juice treatment. Just put on the armor of God and my big girl panties and dealt with it.

This is different. This was our tiny promise of good things to come and to be honest, I am just devastated. I don't know which way is up and which way is down. Am I coming or going? I tried to brush my teeth with diaper ointment. I keep looking at our precious little baby on the ultrasound picture from just a few short days ago and wonder what on earth went wrong. We should get the autopsy and chromosomal testing back soon but part of me doesn't even want to know. 

It's absolutely insane to me that is so common. It actually makes me feel a million times worse hearing about so many precious friends who have gone through this very thing. My heart just breaks for each and every one of you. 

Anyway, this is foreign territory to me. I feel like I typically don't know how to be anything but strong and stubborn and I'm pretty much anything but that right now. 

I listened to Cooper sing "Jesus loves me" over the monitor last night as he fell asleep. He sounded like a choir of angels. I can hear him in the shower quacking like a duck right now and can't stop thanking God for blessing us with him. He'll get out of the shower, put on his "rhiroserous" rhinoceros) pajamas, cuddle in my lap while he watches Fireman Sam, and fall fast asleep in his new big boy room. He will remind us of God's promise of his perfect timing in our lives. He will teach us how to be strong and help us remember to praise our great God above. We sure couldn't be any more blessed.