I haven't blogged in the longest time.
It's not because I haven't had anything to say. Lord knows I've always got something to say. *Jazz hands*
It's been an act of obedience.
I've needed to be still and I've needed to wait.
And so I have.
Disclaimer- this post goes against all news breaking etiquette. All. It’s actually got me all nervous and sweaty palmed just thinking about it. It's just that when God says move, you've gotta move.
Our walk through infertility and loss has been life changing. It's honestly rocked me to the core. It has been a walk of humility, of grief, of God's amazing grace, and often times a walk of isolation. It's not that I've ever felt alone necessarily. It's just that infertility and loss somehow has a way of making you feel very small.
It is what it is y'all.
I have cried out to a God I adore more than anything. I've felt him as close as a hand on my shoulder and as far as a thousand miles away.
We've had several disheartening doctors appointments over the past 6 months. I left my OBs office a few months ago begging him to please call us if someone left a baby in a Moses basket on his front stoop. I meant it.
I went home from that appointment and stepped straight into the looney bin. I decided to ask God to let me just dream about becoming a mom again. I told Him I understood that it wasn't ever, ever going to happen but in order for me to know He was still near, I bargained for a dream. One dream.
I'm telling you, waaaay out of the Ali box.
What I received was two weeks of the most magical, amazing dreams. Vivid dreams. Spiritual dreams. Unlike anything I've ever experienced. I could almost reach out and touch God in them. And in all of them, I was pregnant.
Bear with me.
One Tuesday night I fell asleep and once again dreamed and hung out with my Jesus and my preggo belly. Wacko. I know it. Only this time the dream ended with Him speaking to me and saying "When you wake, you will know and see that I am God".
My mom was also in this dream and she told me clear as day that when I woke up I needed to take a pregnancy test. She reminded me that I am to never stop believing.
I woke up that Wednesday morning completely baffled. I knew without a doubt that I needed to drive myself to Walmart and purchase a pack of pregnancy tests. And that thought alone made me ill as a hornet. After seeing two years worth of negative pregnancy tests, the last thing I wanted was to start my day with another one.
But I went.
And I came home and obediently took a test. For the sole purpose of putting it all behind me and moving on with my day. Grumpette taking the day by storm.
Within 2.2 seconds two lines flashed across the test. TWO.
I didn't know it was even possible for TWO lines to flash across a test at our house. Bam. Bam.
I fell to my knees and began crying out to God.
Chris and I spent the day in complete awe. Somewhere in there I decided that the brand of test I took must have been faulty. So I promptly took eleventy more tests- each a different brand. Each time two magnificent lines flashed across them within seconds. Each time I again, fell to my knees.
There is absolutely no explanation for us getting pregnant other than we serve a mighty and sovereign God who never ever leaves us.
It's not about us. It's about Him and His ability to say to one mountain "get up from here and move over there".
We are humbled. We are gracious. We are down right beside ourselves. And as it should be, the glory goes to Him, the blessings rain down at the very moment He wills them to.
We are claiming Gods mercy on this baby. We are going on 8 weeks now. It’s been a bit of a rough start and we still don’t know what the outcome will be but we are clinging to God’s promise that He will complete the work He has started in us. We are praying that a hedge of protection will surround us and allow us to carry this tiny blessing. We are singing unending praises and thanking Him like never before. We are grateful for every single second, minute, and hour that we get to experience this joy. If we make it 9 weeks, we will praise Him. If we make it 9 months, we will praise Him.